Saturday, February 27, 2016
Running on Empty
Well, here I am, stumbling again.
As i type this out, I'm in the middle of school on a Saturday night and it's close to 11pm. I am really supposed to be doing something better with my time but I can't bring myself to continue. No one's really left in school so I figured this is a time to be alone with my thoughts.
I've found myself thinking a lot more recently. Not necessarily about bad things but not good ones either.
I'm starting to feel extremely uncertain about everything I do. Often second-guessing, being unable to start and generally feeling that I have let myself down. Let me down in what way you ask? That's the bloody problem. I have no clue. I just feel well stuck again. There are some benefits to it. I used to be extremely afraid of the dark and being alone. Now? The fact that I'm sitting in a huge building with only a few lights on should be testament enough that I'm over that. It has been hard pushing away her nagging inside my head. And I know this sounds crazy (but trust me I'm not) but I have had a few interesting incidents happen to me recently.
I've gone to bed too tired to finish my work, but I've woken up to completed worksheets without much memory of what was written. I've also had bouts of tiredness where I just drop asleep and experience a serious case of sleep paralysis where I KNOW I'm dreaming but I was unable to get out of it. It was so bad that one time I woke up with cold sweat. Like fucking whole forehead and back was wet sweat. Honestly, in that moment, I was really frightened. Now that night was the only night where being too paranoid to experience that again, I stayed up to do work until the sun rose. Never really told my parents about it but really I don't need more people to think I'm on the verge of losing it.
But let's move past from that. Something happened for whatever reason and I just have to push it to the back of my head. Seriously though I spend half the time trying to convince myself I'm all right. How the hell do people find the time to do other things? Then again, maybe I should focus on other things instead and not leave my mind to wander so much. Applications are closing in fast and so far I've only received "fun" Summer internships which don't carry too much weight CV-wise.
Sigh. Dear Lord. If you're listening could I make an open prayer request to please guide me where you want me to go? Take a look into the future and tell me where I end up just so I can feel like something is going in the right direction. My choices are limited but my heart and head are open to whatever possibilities and doors you will open for me. If it's to just continue with honors, give me a sign. If it's to graduate and start working, give me a sign. If it's to graduate and seek Masters at a later date, STILL give me a sign. I know I haven't asked for one in a long time and perhaps I may have misread or missed some to cause me to end up in my current position but Please Lord. I'm at my wits' end. I walk around and feel like I'm just floating along. My days blend into nights and blend into mornings with no seeming end in sight. I was taught to begin with the end in mind but I'm starting to realize my end-goal is so far aligned from reality that I was forced to grow up and consider alternative paths.
Lord, I know you've always been there for me so I'm pleading and hoping you hear my voice. Open up the right door for me and give me a sign. Show me what I am meant to do. At this point, if you say the aim of my life is just to do something I violently oppose to, I will do it. Yes, I am at that stage where anything you give will be better than the nothing I feel.
Mona ♥
Saturday, February 27, 2016
link to post
0 comments
