Saturday, October 19, 2013
I am in control.
I have never realised how much in control each human being is.
That is until i saw this little comic strip below.
And all i could think was DAMN. Every single human being could be on the verge of a breakdown and we wouldn't even know it. I was always taught from young that punching and killing someone was wrong (like duh right) but i could never really understand what could push someone to the point of not being able to take it. What causes someone to eventually snap and lose all control of their actions?
I mean I've ever had the thought of seriously hurting someone. It was a very sour relationship we had and all i thought of for one day was dreaming i would take a fork and just stab the person or even carry a bowl of hot soup and oh-so-accidentally trip. I am not kidding you. The fact that i had even had these thoughts scare me at times as well. Like what if inside everyone of us there's the potential for greatness - to write and make breakthroughs in medicine, philosophy, social rights? Yet along with this ability for greatness lies something even more sinister? What if inside us there is also an equal if not bigger potential to be the bad guy? We've all had thoughts of wanting to hurt someone badly i'm sure.
Crap, my first reaction when someone is injured is to be more curious than to actually help the person first. What causes the person to call out? I've seen numerous people sprain their ankles and yet they all responded differently. For some reason, I seem to remember jumping knee-first onto the rough floor on the playground back when i was in kindergarten. Laughs. I had a scar for weeks which I thought made me cool cause people seemed to care more for me. That's probably when i realised i was a severely attention-seeking child. (i'm judging myself) But the more i think of it the more I find myself pretty scared at the thoughts that go off in my head. I know that all that's stopping me from going buts sometimes is the fact that I was taught never to lose it. All those stress relieving tips had to help right?
Breathe in. Close your eyes. Count to 10 and realize that revenge is a poison that you yourself would suffer. Yeah fuck that...
I've never really believed in such things. When i'm pissed i'm pissed. No rolling or closing of my eyes is going to fucking help. There should be a collaboration for people to fight and beat up each other legally. I kid you not. I think releasing it is so much better than keeping it.
Or even better, there can be 2 rows of people. 1 row would have people that have wronged someone and have volunteered to be beaten to feel better. The other row would be those who are fuming and need to beat the living crap out of someone. Put them together and just let them brawl with each other - who cares if they're complete strangers? That would work well in that they'll be careful not to kill each other or something. Of course those that are more demure can simply discuss their problems with another over tea and crumpets or something.
Now i know all my blog posts seem to show me as a really angst-ridden teenager but in truth, I think people don't often see me this way. I would like to think that i used to be an extremely happy youth or girl. The term LADY may be a little too feminine for me. Most people (if they don't look at me direct) tend to assume i'm a guy. My mum said it's because I don't have a very feminine figure and that i wear loose-fitting clothes that don't help. My dad just said it's cause I'm fat. Put the two together and I'm just a fat, shapeless girl wearing potato-sack clothes. Ah life. Anyway I'm getting out of point. You see, my fat ass has managed to stay sane all these years because i express my feelings through different ways. I've had lots of friends confide in me and i guess you could say fatty over here took comfort in the fact that she wasn't the only one struggling through life. Just listening to my friends and being there for them made me feel good. It didn't really matter that i had no one to listen to me since i tended to use general advice for myself.
I always give the idea to my friends that my parents are my harshest critics but i'm starting to realize that i am. I seem to be able to tell others how to control their emotions but yet i find myself unable to control my own at times. One painful memory that stuck with me all through these years was someone whispering that i was a "weird fat loser" when i walked past. I didn't really know who said it but i remembered pretending not to hear it and continued walking out of school. In fact, i don't even think my parents knew about it. I took a train all the way to the Singapore river, sat near the edge, and just cried. Not too loudly because I was wearing my school uniform and didn't want to get in trouble but something changed in me that day. I realized how lonely i was as a person and vowed to befriend everyone I would ever meet and treat them as individuals. I wasn't really picked on at school so i could only imagine how those people who WERE picked on must have felt.
I started making friends with every individual and didn't really care if my friends had a problem with another friend. My logic was always "as an individual, i find her nice. If you have a problem with her, that's with you. Don't tell me who i can or cannot be friends with." Because i was sure if i felt alone on that day only, they must have felt pretty lonely on every other day hearing people say such things about them. I may be the weird fat loser, but i was the weird fat loser who made an effort to are for others. So what it they thought my ass was big? my heart could match it.
I can still remember how badly i cried that day and there were many other moments when people have called me names - mostly relating to the enormity of my size - and i cried here and there but not to the extent that i felt totally destroyed. It's difficult for people to see past my size but I'm fortunate to have not been tormented by teasing or bullying because of it. (Maybe they thought i might eat them - laughs) I mean even my own parents are always telling me to lose weight and how i can't do well in certain industries cause you need to look good whereas i, well, don't. But better for them to tell me than I find out the hard way i guess.
It would be nice when the world starts looking at what's inside as well. Imagine someone coming up and going "Hey, you're really friendly and caring. That's nice." Laughs, yes my idea of utopia for the future. Most people see me and their instant reaction is "better get out of the way." I remember someone calling me FatSiow once. (My surname is Siow you see) - a clever play on the word fatso. At that point i was pretty comfortable with myself so i dramatically jumped up and sat on the floor next to her and jokingly said "Aiyoh, earthquake." She laughed so hard and we would become good friends for close to 2 years. Before we went to different school, of course.
I think I'm starting to like Mona. For the past few years, I've often resented how she looked, how she talked, the way her arm is always awkwardly bent. How she can never really excel in anything in particular. But recently I've come to realise that she's all i got. And if i keep putting her down, i'm not really helping myself, either. I'm already facing a world of adversity that's going to tell me I can't make it, I might as well be my own encouragement and not push myself down further. So today i've finally found a new friend - in myself.
How have you been? And by that i mean how have you been treating you? Hope you reach some sort of clarity on that.
Mona ♥
Saturday, October 19, 2013
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Monday, October 14, 2013
Isn't it funny.
I always find it quite amusing how when something is there for the taking, I can't be bothered to go for it.
But when someone else finally takes the chance, i suddenly realize how much i had wanted it and can only watch as the something gets taken further and further away from me.
I don't even know what to feel cause if i think about it, I've lost the race.
Then again, how can I have lost the race when I didn't even have the courage to enter the race?
Do you get what I'm saying guys? Go for what you want or you'll be stuck awake at night wondering why you had let that chance pass you by. And the more you think, the more it drives you crazy with the "What ifs" and "maybe if..." But then you're snapped back to reality and you realize it's happened. It's gone. And you're still here, trying to salvage some piece of your pride and logic in a hope that rational thought can get you by. "Even if i went for it, i wouldn't be chosen", "Maybe it's better this way anyway." But it gives you little comfort.
So you delve into work and shut off everything. After all, this is the last thing that seems to remain constant in your life. The weekly lecture notes being uploaded which you know you will swear and complain at the length before printing and stapling it. But the moment you put down that pen your head swarms with regret once again.
So you get up and continue to work because though it hurts your head, the thought that you had missed out hurts so much more. You tell yourself you're a rational person and that things get better, even though things seem pretty shit now.
The worst part is that you're the only one who feels this way. You had encouraged someone else to go for it because you were scared. They'd taken your advice and excelled.
So, when are you going to take your own advice? You don't. You do what you always do and dive back into work. There, you're comfortable, you're productive and there, people will never see how much you're hurting.
So I continue to smile knowing this is just a passing phase, knowing that by next semester this thought would go away. You've missed out on this chance, so you'll fight for the next one.
Hopefully.
Mona ♥
Monday, October 14, 2013
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