Monday, October 14, 2013
Isn't it funny.
I always find it quite amusing how when something is there for the taking, I can't be bothered to go for it.
But when someone else finally takes the chance, i suddenly realize how much i had wanted it and can only watch as the something gets taken further and further away from me.
I don't even know what to feel cause if i think about it, I've lost the race.
Then again, how can I have lost the race when I didn't even have the courage to enter the race?
Do you get what I'm saying guys? Go for what you want or you'll be stuck awake at night wondering why you had let that chance pass you by. And the more you think, the more it drives you crazy with the "What ifs" and "maybe if..." But then you're snapped back to reality and you realize it's happened. It's gone. And you're still here, trying to salvage some piece of your pride and logic in a hope that rational thought can get you by. "Even if i went for it, i wouldn't be chosen", "Maybe it's better this way anyway." But it gives you little comfort.
So you delve into work and shut off everything. After all, this is the last thing that seems to remain constant in your life. The weekly lecture notes being uploaded which you know you will swear and complain at the length before printing and stapling it. But the moment you put down that pen your head swarms with regret once again.
So you get up and continue to work because though it hurts your head, the thought that you had missed out hurts so much more. You tell yourself you're a rational person and that things get better, even though things seem pretty shit now.
The worst part is that you're the only one who feels this way. You had encouraged someone else to go for it because you were scared. They'd taken your advice and excelled.
So, when are you going to take your own advice? You don't. You do what you always do and dive back into work. There, you're comfortable, you're productive and there, people will never see how much you're hurting.
So I continue to smile knowing this is just a passing phase, knowing that by next semester this thought would go away. You've missed out on this chance, so you'll fight for the next one.
Hopefully.
Mona ♥
Monday, October 14, 2013
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