Thursday, April 28, 2016
Why are you so calm?
So something interesting happened to me today. Well, first of all, I'm in the midst of my third-year final exams with little or no hope of improving my grade point average. But that's beside the point. My dad texted me today after I sat through another final and asked me if I was okay.
You can imagine how I might have started to panic when he asked me this question. Usually, when someone asks me how I am feeling it's usually to brace me to receive incoming bad news and to make sure that I am in a proper state of mind to accept the aforementioned bad news. This was the same thing that happened with my beloved dog (bless his tiny heart) when my mum called to tell me about it the other time. It was a dear, how are you? where are you? And just in that instant I knew. Same for my grandma when my dad called me as I finished with work that day and asked me how was my day. I still remember it was a relatively good day then and he told me to take my time when making my way to the hospital. Well, he didn't have to say it but even I knew my grandma was gone in that instant. It still hurts to think about losing both of them but I feel that no matter what losing a grandfather at 9 still never prepared me for losing my grandma and grandpa at 19 and much less losing my buddy at 20.
Pain is relative though and through time, the pain has subsided a little but the memories still stay. In some way, the memories hurt more than thinking about the loss of them.
So I braced myself for the news that was coming. Was great-grandma hospitalised? Did something happen to our house? The company? Did I get another rejection letter? Was mum alright? Was he alright? WHAT???
And at that point, he just said no, I was just checking if you are alright. You seem very calm this semester. Huh. I'll let you know my thoughts in a bit.
Mona ♥
Thursday, April 28, 2016
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Wednesday, April 6, 2016
You're always stronger than you think
I don't like the phrase "a cry for help." I just don't like how it sounds. When somebody says to be "I'm thinking about suicide, I have a plan; I just need a reason not to do it," the last thing I see is helplessness.
I think to myself: your depression has been beating you up for years. It's called you ugly, and stupid and pathetic and a failure, for such a long time that you've forgotten it's wrong. You don't see any good in yourself, and you don't have any hope.
But still, here you are; you've come over to me, banged on my door and said HEY! STAYING ALIVE IS REALLY HARD RIGHT NOW! JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING TO FIGHT WITH! I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A STICK! GIVE ME A STICK AND I CAN STAY ALIVE!"
How is that helpless? I think it's incredible. You're like a Marine: trapped for years behind enemy lines, your gun has been taken away, you're out of ammo, you're malnourished, and you've peobably caught some kind of jungle virus that's making you hallucinate giant spiders.
And you know what? You're still just going "GIVE ME A STICK. I'M NOT DYING OUT HERE."
"A cry for help" makes it sound like I'm supposed to take pity on you, but you don't need my pity. This isn't pathetic. This is the will to survive. This is how humans lived long enough to become the dominant species.
With no hope, running on nothing, you're ready to cut through a hundred miles of hostile jungle with nothing but a stick, if that's what it takes to get to safety.
All I'm doing is handing out sticks.
You're the one staying alive.
I really hope the above helps someone who comes across it. It was written by a therapist and it really makes you realize you have been strong enough to fight through anything and everything. I may never actually meet all of you out there but I pray that whatever fight you are going through that you will pull through and I'll be right here fighting along with you. Writing gives me a sense of purpose and allows me to consolidate my thoughts. But really, it's pieces like this that really keep you grounded and from getting inside your head too much.
Sending my love to all and here's wishing you strength for the week ahead.
Mona ♥
Wednesday, April 06, 2016
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