This is going to be a post to help clear my thoughts. Perhaps by typing it out into words I can finally stop thinking about it. Here's hoping this will be the final time I replay this in my head. 

All this began innocently enough. I have always been fine by myself and after my last relationship, I was convinced that there was no such thing as love and tried to shut down anything that came remotely close to it. I was your typical cynical 21^st century girl. We don’t believe in love or that you need a man but silently think if there’s something wrong with us before brushing it aside in pursuit of other more productive thought. Besides, no one had time for such abstract concepts anyway.

Then I met you. You were slightly older, seemingly wiser and tried convincing me that people still pursued and had lasting relationships. One-night stands was not your thing and you wanted to get to know a person through and through. We were nothing alike but you spent nights talking to me and reassuring me that there was such people around. From just a friend you became my confidante. I started opening up and speaking to you about my past and you started giving me hope about how my future could be. I looked forward to your calls and meeting up with you even for short moments and train rides home because our schooling and work schedules clashed – more so because I was juggling both.

I brought you to my favourite places where I would walk to clear my mind. You laughed at me saying I was too young to have so much worries but you stayed and listened to me talk anyway. It has been quite a while since I verbalized my thoughts to someone else. It was weird but oddly comfortable with you.

Then you asked me the question I dreaded. Not that the term girl-friend scared me but the concept of a relationship meant it was something that could go wrong and for me, something that always ended up bad. I panicked and asked for some time – that we could continue seeing each other exclusively but not fix this binding agreement on ourselves just yet. A half-relationship of sorts and you agreed saying that I didn’t have anything else to prove since you already liked me the moment you met me. So we went on outings as opposed to dates where you got to know more about me and I found myself falling hard for you. From our small communication barriers to getting lost while walking to the way the corner of your eyes would crinkle in the cutest way when you laughed. I honestly never felt I had anything to offer except my time and you stayed on still. I wasn’t the prettiest or the smartest, did not have the best advice to give and did not have features of what you liked in a girl. You assured me all that didn’t matter anyway and I could feel comfortable in my own skin – something which had taken me over 20 years to fix.

So on that day when we went out and you had something to say, I was prepared to say something too. I was prepared to take another shot at it. To not be afraid of commitment and tell you that I was willing to try. To give my 100% for something that had no guarantee. Any economist could see the faulty logic in that but I decided to let you speak first. If only you knew I spent the whole day dizzy with delight that I was meeting you after work, because I had thought you reached a similar conclusion. 

Who would have thought the night I decided I needed you in my life would be the night you decided you didn't.

You took my hand and looked down. Something didn't feel right and I could tell you were struggling to get the words out. "I'm so sorry." I was more confused and just kept looking at you.

"I know we were supposed to see each other exclusively but I met someone else."

I wish I could explain what I felt in that moment. I knew you were still talking but I could no longer hear anything. I could feel hot tears welling up in my eyes but I told myself to breathe. I remember feeling a sudden heat rush to my face and head - halfway between feeling extreme embarrassment and as if I was about to have trouble breathing. It's weird but now that I think about it I could remember my entire chest hurting as I struggled to breathe slowly.

There was a ton of apologizing on your part even as I tried to sort through the thoughts that screamed in my head. The biggest one that stood out kept asking how on earth this could happen again. For you see, getting cheated on once made me a very angry person. Being cheated on twice made me question if the problem was me instead. Perhaps there was something I just couldn't give people. Was I not there enough? Did I not show enough care and concern or ask about you? Was it something I did or didn't do? Was it just who I was as a person and if so - why didn't either of them just tell me? Why did they have to turn to someone else? Just... why?

I wanted to lash out. You knew how much being cheated on had damaged me. I told you I needed more time. You knew all this and yet you did the same thing to me. All the nasty things I could have said was just reaching the tip of my tongue but I stopped them. Just as how I had stopped the previous time and simply told him to go with the other girl. But I felt selfish now. Why did I always have to step back? Didn't I deserve to have someone too?

And at that moment I stopped myself completely. I realized when I was in so much pain you were there for me. It takes courage to open up and admit you have been in the wrong. You were sorry and knowing what a sincere person you are, I didn't have any right to impose anything on you. So I asked "How is she like?" That got you confused. But I gave the best encouraging smile I could and waited for your answer.

It's a bittersweet memory but one I will remember always. When you spoke of her, your eyes lit up. You told me of what a caring, passionate individual she was. How she invited you out and surprised you, talked with you and connected with you on so many levels that naturally made things move quickly. The joy in your face and twinkle in your eyes was something I always liked about you. It comes through when you talk about things you hold dear. Listening to you talk and gesture excitedly made me smile too. And this time my tears brimmed over and fell. Being you, you wiped them away from my face and stopped talking.

You know how there are moments of your life when the solution is so clear that you are partially thankful you know what should be done and yet the other half of you struggles with the decision? This was one of those moments.

"I'm sorry. This is wrong. I'll stop what I'm doing but I really hope you'll forgive me for what I did." The only problem with you saying that is that I know you would be miserable. For you see, when you spoke about her, I could actually feel your love for her. As someone who doesn't believe that love even exists, I've finally seen it with my two eyes. I shook my head and told you what I observed. You could deny it all you want but I could tell who you have fallen for - and it wasn't me. "Please go ahead to be with her. I'm really not angry. In fact, I'm glad that you told me. I've never seen you that happy as when you were talking about her and honestly, I think it's only fair that you give yourself a chance too. I'll be okay. Really." I think you merely liked me. But when you connect so strongly with someone else, I wouldn't want you to ignore it in the name of doing what was 'right'.

We hugged for a long time after that. I hugged you a little bit tighter because I knew that would be the last few times I ever got to do that. I cried a lot that night and with every shaky breathe I took to calm myself down I could feel you hugging a bit tighter to give me assurance. I've never loved someone so hard and had to let them go. But I'm learning how to heal and am hoping for the day someone would talk about me the same way you talk about her.

It has been a whirlwind to say the least. I went from getting cheated on to getting a great friend to getting into a starting of another promising relationship to getting cheated on. My heart still hurts when I think about this entire thing that has happened. Sometimes I've thought about so much it feels almost surreal that I have actually lived through it. It's a bit painful to heal now as I don't really have anyone I can talk to.

Just last week I went to the exact same spot I walked with you, sat there and randomly started tearing. The most beautiful thing was it felt okay. I've lived through this before - the first time with you by my side and the second time by myself. But it's on this occasion that I'm getting more in touch with my inner voice and as a result, just more at peace with who I am as an individual. I am in no way upset at you - but it has taught me to really cherish all that I have. If anything, I am a bit angry at myself for letting you go and wondered if I could have changed your mind by saying something that night.

But I won't go down the dark rabbit-hole again. This upcoming year, I'm going to start getting more in touch with my inner self. Maybe instead of always thinking about what could have happened, I'm going to focus on me and look towards what is going to happen instead.

Thank you for loving me when I was down and helping me survive my first painful break. I don't really know how to repay you but I hope my love and blessings will make you really happy.

Happy holidays everyone. May the new year be better for all of us.