Writer Hi I'm Mona and I'm currently 21. This blog doesn't really have a theme to it - just the daily happenings of my life. Nobody really visits this site but if you do, well then you might be lost. laughs.

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Saturday, March 30, 2013
Here it Goes Again

So today I opened my mail to find (surprise surprise) more rejection letters! - Like 5 of them. (YAY)

Anyway I must admit this whole rejection thing starts to get a little easier after a while.
Which is not to say that I actually feel good about it now. But at least after struggling for so many months simply waiting for the universities to get back to me it allows me to have (i guess) closure in the sense. I no longer need to harbor hope for a particular spot in that particular school. Still it's kind of a sucky feeling.

You know what's the funny thing? I'm starting to realize rejection letters all tell you the same thing: This year we have had a record number of applicants - the highest we've ever had - and so we have had the difficult choice of turning away thousands of worthy if not capable young individuals. 

Really now? One Uni telling me that okay maybe I'll still believe you but to have every single university say that it's starting to come off a little fake to me. RECORD NUMBER? It's like a freaking baby boom happened in my year over the entire planet or something. (okay, calm down)

Then there's always the second bit which goes like : Please do not take this as a judgement of your ability or potential but rather of the great pool of talent we have had this year. Which if you think about it, actually makes you feel a whole lot better. Yeah, right.

My mother was extremely sympathetic about this. She told me to trust that these people have been doing it for years and they would should know what kind of students would be suitable to that particular course. I always feel that they're looking out for the same kind of students though - those with straight As. Hey take them in surely if they can do everything well, they'll be able to do the course well too. (i'm starting to sound like a grumpy old man here) But in all truth I really hope my mum is right in that.

Maybe our education system isn't a single goal. Maybe it's merely a means to an end. Often I've got so caught up in school that I forget that school is a part of my life as opposed to school being my life. Think of it as a sift. And we're like...flour if you will. We use it so separate the bad parts of flour out (lumps, etc) but in the end you realize you'll still use the whole batch of flour. It's just that some needs extra moulding such that they fit through the sift to be as useful as the others who have already passed through. (Geez, i feel so deep sometimes) That's of course assuming that everyone conforms to the system - which they don't.



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Friday, March 22, 2013
Why Do I Bother?

A couple of days back I received 2 rejection letters.

The first thought that came into my head was "aww fuck..." Really? Like REALLY? 2 at once? Like couldn't they have made one slower or one faster? No. Had to be 2 freaking letters at the same time. Talk about shit hitting the fence. Nah, this one hit my face.

Okay, moving on.



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Sunday, March 17, 2013
Why I Pray

Yesterday was a very strange day for me.

It wasn't like something big happened or anything it's just that it was the first time in a long time that I finally went back to church. Weird doesn't even start to cover it.

Woke up in the morning in time for my shift at Kawaii Pets. Went on from there to the NUS open house which I must say was pretty good - you really feel that you've stepped into another world. And for some reason, I decided to go to church even though I was dead tired at that point.

Now church has been a place where I've always felt comfortable. I've been a Christian all my life so it was funny stepping into the main auditorium and feeling quite lost. It's like I know where my cell mates were sitting but I had this feeling of isolation. I opted to sit at the back rows instead since we were in the midst of worship when I stepped in (Yes, i was late).

Perhaps it was about now when i realized why i felt so strange. I've not been to the youth service for close to 4 years. My parents always chide me for not doing so but somehow i just couldn't bring myself to go back. But yesterday, sitting there, the pastor encouraged us to say a word of prayer quietly to ourselves.

It dawned on me that I haven't prayed in a while, and it felt really awkward standing there by myself trying to figure out how to do so.

Do I cup my hands? Do I raise my hands? Do I bow my head? How about closing my eyes? It was like I went full retard and ended up just fidgeting and swinging from side to side as I prayed.

BUT what do i pray for? Of course I reverted to the basic Lord, bless me with good grades, stable relationships, your wisdom and peace in my everyday activities blah blah blah. But after a while, it wasn't a prayer. It was a script i had repeated for the last 10 or so years of my life. It was filled with true need and desire when it started out but now it was just words. Empty words I repeat to tell myself that I have done my part and it was now God's turn to do his.

And i stopped. I now know how lost i have been as an individual all these years. I pray for me and myself only - I have forgotten what it means to be human. Forgotten what it means to be a daughter, a friend, a co-worker, a niece, a student and of course, a child.

I needn't pretend that i've got everything sorted out - cause i really don't. Why did i think i had to always seem like i had it together? I can admit out loud that there have been times i have cried myself to sleep for i didn't know where i was going and what i was doing. At school, i would sit in the library to study and end up tearing too cause i've realized i've lost control of everything i thought i had. I have had dreams where i see and feel myself falling off the building and i wake up, scared that i may one day lose it enough to do just that. I think of eating sleeping pills just to have a good night's rest with no dreams or stress of tomorrow - only to realize i only want to do that to end it all. I keep it together because i have no one else to keep me in check, but i'm afraid one day i'll just snap and find myself standing on top of a building and not being able to control what i'm doing. Hurting myself is one thing, hurting others would be unacceptable. So i do the best that i can. I smile and hold it in because everything else is difficult enough to handle. But i'm not as strong as i think i am.

I opened my eyes and looked at the auditorium - full of young faces. People i do not know even as i search desperately for a familiar face. Many of my friends no longer go to church or at least not to that same church. That saddens me. I didn't want anyone to have to go through the feelings i had of finding their place of solace to be uncomfortable.

And so i close my eyes to pray. I pray for the unfamiliar faces to have a supportive community, I pray for my aunts, uncles, juniors, friends (old and new), parents and leaders. For the first time in a long time, i feel and understand my prayer and its purpose. I'm still uncertain of what the future has in store for me but I have learned how to feel again.

For the longest time, I have felt numb. You know, that feeling when you don't do badly enough to cry yet you don't do well enough to celebrate so you're just in-between and you feel stuck or trapped and eventually, numb to everything. Maybe it's just the way things are. When you're this down in the dumps, the only way to go is up. I believe some people just take a longer time with getting there, that's all.

Just think about grocery shopping as a life goal. Everyone eventually buys their groceries for the week but everyone has different ways of getting it done. Some just grab and go - I think of them as overachievers. These are the efficient, clean-cut, top of the class kind of people who can get shit done. Then we have the inspectors - those who would scrutinize every little detail on the packaging or every stalk of vegetable before they buy it - these are the people who ensure that shit done has quality. Quality shit if you will. Then we have those (majority) who are fast and then slow in some areas. (You know, fast to buy slow to pay and then towards the end they may consider if everything in their basket is really needed.) I believe they would be able to appreciate some aspects of things while rejecting others. I call them market forces. The people who determine what sort of shit should get done (no shit).

So really, at the end of the day, people churning out results all take different times - but we all get the same end result anyway. Life is a little too short for me to be hung up on these kind of things. Who cares if you're currently doing well or not or if you're just a little in-between like me? I believe everyone goes through the same thing (unless i'm proven otherwise).

So i'll pray for direction and answers as to where i'm heading. I'll pray for true needs and those around me. I'll pray an unselfish prayer for once and know in my heart that it's the right thing to do. I pray that for anyone who reads or ever comes across this that you'll have a sense of direction and purpose in your life. Never live it regretting and being sour the entire way and i assure you that the day you are waiting for will come.

I may never meet you but I know there are forces set in your life that will steer you in the right direction. It may seem good or bad at that time, but they're all crafted to help you find your way. So i wish you the best of luck and to keep smiling through anything life throws at you.

Wake up, a new dawn is breaking.



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Monday, March 11, 2013
Post "A"s Stress

Hello World.

So another couple of days has passed and i'm really starting to wonder where my life is going. As far as i'm concerned i don't want to be the one who wakes up one day in their 40s to realise that they hated or wasted their whole life away.

How does someone know what to do with their life anyway?

 I like to believe the notion that God made everyone with different talents so that we all sort of fit into our own little place into the world. That would ensure that everyone is the happiest they can be, right?

But what if i don't have a talent? Don't get me wrong, i don't suck at everything but it's just that i don't seem to be good at anything. I see friends around me who excel in music, dance, drama, sciences, humanities........the list goes on forever, okay? My point is they have found their talent and they are doing exceptionally well at it. I'm (honestly) happy for them. I can see them doing what they love and excelling in their respective fields in like 5 or 10 years from now. It's funny in that sense - I can see where all my friends are probably going to end up; yet i draw a blank as to where i will be.

Some lady with 40 cats. Or maybe 40 dogs. Those cats would judge me with their eyes.

So yes, after going one whole big loop, let me get back to my main point: HOW ON EARTH DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MEANT TO DO???

Lots of people always tell me to pray about it. Yes i have done that. Perhaps God is taking time to answer me. University applications on the other hand, have no time to wait for me.

I knew what i wanted to do initially, but after thinking it over these last few days i'm starting to realise i may not be as suited for the course as i thought i was. Shy, quiet me could never make it in the advertising industry. In fact, i don't really seem to be able to make it anywhere at all. (Grades, glorious grades)

Of course, some people who are unsure of what they intend to do may take a gap year just to reconsider all their options. I don't really see my situation getting better in another 12 months. So i think i'll stick with choosing now. Question lies in what to choose---OH MY WHAT TO TAKE?

So i did what any normal person would do with a question --- i googled it.

PASSION. That seemed to be the recurring word or theme that people use when choosing a university or their courses. Like really guys? How does passion really help in such a case? I've heard a saying that everyone has passion but those who make it are the ones who are passionate. That makes sense.

When i was young, one of my biggest dreams was to fly to space, mainly because i was fascinated by the night sky and the thought that i could one day see the whole galaxy. Yeah, a little naive then. Then as i grew up my biggest wish was to be remembered for something when i died. I often thought curing cancer would be a pretty easy way to do that.  The part of me figuring out how to cure cancer cells? Yeah didn't really think that through. So i was a little upset and i started flipping through my book of random things and i found a quote i had penned down quite a few years ago.

It read "If i had not gone into Monty Python, i probably would have stuck to my original plan to graduate and become a chartered accountant, perhaps a barrister lawyer, and gotten a nice house in the suburbs, with a nice wife and kids, and gotten a country club membership , and then i would have killed myself."  <John Cleese>

I guess it was at this point that i woke up and knew what i had to do. What i love vs What is practical. Often i've always thought that as the only child i must do what is needed to ensure my parents live well in the future (along with my 40 dogs you see). I cannot afford to do something i love if there's the slightest risk that by the time i enter the working world, i'm still not able to support myself and/or my parents. Getting a rich husband or even dating is out of the question as i need to work hard for the next 20-30 years to at least ensure my parents would be comfortable before i think for myself. Wow, this is thinking way far ahead but this should roughly be the outline for my life for the next few decades or so.

So i guess the best thing to do would be to find a way to combine my responsibilities and my passion into a course of my choice. Jeez sounds like a huge burden for a course to handle. Laughs.

All in all, I hope that if anyone ever comes by this post that you'll do what you truly love in life. It's always easier to do well in something you love and the work that follows will always be enjoyable and maybe even pleasant. I, on the other hand, have to weigh about 250 more factors before i come to a decision... ... ... a gap year may seem pretty handy now actually.
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Thursday, March 7, 2013
2013 Startup

Well let's first of all say hello back to the blogging world.

I used to have a blog back about 4 odd years ago but for some reason i stopped and really up to now i still don't know why i did that. Anyway it's only the third month of 2013 and too many things has happened. I've gotten my "A" level results back and i've recently lost my grandma.

I was upset at my results initially but seeing as how my grandma had died a couple of days prior to my results, the pain didn't seem that hard to handle. Besides, my results will probably allow me to go where i want to --- so no complaints there.

I must say i still miss my grandma. The first few hours when i found out she was gone i was so deep in shock i had to remind myself to breathe every few seconds. I also didn't realise i was crying until my mum helped me to wipe away my tears. I thought i had grown to handle myself better when it came to losing things.

In P4, I lost my grandpa.
In Sec 4, I lost my chance to study at the school i wanted.
In J1, I lost my chance to enter the students' union.
In J1, I lost my chance to apply for an overseas program - thrice.

So perhaps when i had hit the end of J2, i figured nothing else i lose could hurt me so much anymore. But losing a grandpa at 9 could not prepare me for the pain of losing a grandma at 19.

I cried silently to myself the night i lost her. I couldn't understand why such a thing would happen at this time. In fact, i had just visited her in the hospital in the morning before i went off for work. Yet by that night, she was gone.

I felt a sudden peace come over me that night. It was something i couldn't quite understand. I was still grieved yet i felt a small glowing sense of happiness. Perhaps it was the fact that she no longer suffered or perhaps it was the fact that she was able to have seen all of us grow up to this point. Either way, the tears dried up soon enough.

I've often wondered why people cry. The most obvious reason that comes to mind is because they're sad. Yes i know that.

But what was i sad about? I mean, i knew very well that she had gone to a better place and that she'll no longer suffer right? So what was there to be sad about?

Then it hit me. I was scared of growing up. Now don't get me wrong, i'm not saying this is true of everyone but it did seem logical to me. When our parents or grandparents are around, we always have a pillar of support behind us. That knowledge that when we fail, we have someone to rely on. But when they're suddenly gone, we panic. We realise we're on our own and suddenly the world just gets a little bit scarier to us. So i cry because i'm insecure. I'm scared that i can no longer run to find my grandma when something happens and that she won't be there to protect me.

And i realised it's okay. Perhaps it's just a weird phase i'm going through but suddenly growing up doesn't seem that terrifying. Don't get me wrong, this whole "GOING TO UNIVERSITY"  shit still scares the crap out of me but i know now that i'm going to be okay. And so is grandma.

God has blessed me with an amazing grandma these past 19 years of my life. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I've been rejected so many times that i feel i can deal with anything now. University? Yeah that'll probably be tough but really, what ever comes easy anyway?

So it's time to grow up and see what is in store for me. I'm finally able to close this chapter of my life and ready to start the next one. Cause really when you've lost so many times, you're bound to win soon.

2013, Bring it on.



Mona ♥ Thursday, March 07, 2013 link to post 0 comments