Sunday, March 17, 2013
Why I Pray
Yesterday was a very strange day for me.
It wasn't like something big happened or anything it's just that it was the first time in a long time that I finally went back to church. Weird doesn't even start to cover it.
Woke up in the morning in time for my shift at Kawaii Pets. Went on from there to the NUS open house which I must say was pretty good - you really feel that you've stepped into another world. And for some reason, I decided to go to church even though I was dead tired at that point.
Now church has been a place where I've always felt comfortable. I've been a Christian all my life so it was funny stepping into the main auditorium and feeling quite lost. It's like I know where my cell mates were sitting but I had this feeling of isolation. I opted to sit at the back rows instead since we were in the midst of worship when I stepped in (Yes, i was late).
Perhaps it was about now when i realized why i felt so strange. I've not been to the youth service for close to 4 years. My parents always chide me for not doing so but somehow i just couldn't bring myself to go back. But yesterday, sitting there, the pastor encouraged us to say a word of prayer quietly to ourselves.
It dawned on me that I haven't prayed in a while, and it felt really awkward standing there by myself trying to figure out how to do so.
Do I cup my hands? Do I raise my hands? Do I bow my head? How about closing my eyes? It was like I went full retard and ended up just fidgeting and swinging from side to side as I prayed.
BUT what do i pray for? Of course I reverted to the basic Lord, bless me with good grades, stable relationships, your wisdom and peace in my everyday activities blah blah blah. But after a while, it wasn't a prayer. It was a script i had repeated for the last 10 or so years of my life. It was filled with true need and desire when it started out but now it was just words. Empty words I repeat to tell myself that I have done my part and it was now God's turn to do his.
And i stopped. I now know how lost i have been as an individual all these years. I pray for me and myself only - I have forgotten what it means to be human. Forgotten what it means to be a daughter, a friend, a co-worker, a niece, a student and of course, a child.
I needn't pretend that i've got everything sorted out - cause i really don't. Why did i think i had to always seem like i had it together? I can admit out loud that there have been times i have cried myself to sleep for i didn't know where i was going and what i was doing. At school, i would sit in the library to study and end up tearing too cause i've realized i've lost control of everything i thought i had. I have had dreams where i see and feel myself falling off the building and i wake up, scared that i may one day lose it enough to do just that. I think of eating sleeping pills just to have a good night's rest with no dreams or stress of tomorrow - only to realize i only want to do that to end it all. I keep it together because i have no one else to keep me in check, but i'm afraid one day i'll just snap and find myself standing on top of a building and not being able to control what i'm doing. Hurting myself is one thing, hurting others would be unacceptable. So i do the best that i can. I smile and hold it in because everything else is difficult enough to handle. But i'm not as strong as i think i am.
I opened my eyes and looked at the auditorium - full of young faces. People i do not know even as i search desperately for a familiar face. Many of my friends no longer go to church or at least not to that same church. That saddens me. I didn't want anyone to have to go through the feelings i had of finding their place of solace to be uncomfortable.
And so i close my eyes to pray. I pray for the unfamiliar faces to have a supportive community, I pray for my aunts, uncles, juniors, friends (old and new), parents and leaders. For the first time in a long time, i feel and understand my prayer and its purpose. I'm still uncertain of what the future has in store for me but I have learned how to feel again.
For the longest time, I have felt numb. You know, that feeling when you don't do badly enough to cry yet you don't do well enough to celebrate so you're just in-between and you feel stuck or trapped and eventually, numb to everything. Maybe it's just the way things are. When you're this down in the dumps, the only way to go is up. I believe some people just take a longer time with getting there, that's all.
Just think about grocery shopping as a life goal. Everyone eventually buys their groceries for the week but everyone has different ways of getting it done. Some just grab and go - I think of them as overachievers. These are the efficient, clean-cut, top of the class kind of people who can get shit done. Then we have the inspectors - those who would scrutinize every little detail on the packaging or every stalk of vegetable before they buy it - these are the people who ensure that shit done has quality. Quality shit if you will. Then we have those (majority) who are fast and then slow in some areas. (You know, fast to buy slow to pay and then towards the end they may consider if everything in their basket is really needed.) I believe they would be able to appreciate some aspects of things while rejecting others. I call them market forces. The people who determine what sort of shit should get done (no shit).
So really, at the end of the day, people churning out results all take different times - but we all get the same end result anyway. Life is a little too short for me to be hung up on these kind of things. Who cares if you're currently doing well or not or if you're just a little in-between like me? I believe everyone goes through the same thing (unless i'm proven otherwise).
So i'll pray for direction and answers as to where i'm heading. I'll pray for true needs and those around me. I'll pray an unselfish prayer for once and know in my heart that it's the right thing to do. I pray that for anyone who reads or ever comes across this that you'll have a sense of direction and purpose in your life. Never live it regretting and being sour the entire way and i assure you that the day you are waiting for will come.
I may never meet you but I know there are forces set in your life that will steer you in the right direction. It may seem good or bad at that time, but they're all crafted to help you find your way. So i wish you the best of luck and to keep smiling through anything life throws at you.
Wake up, a new dawn is breaking.
Mona ♥
Sunday, March 17, 2013
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