Thursday, March 7, 2013
2013 Startup
Well let's first of all say hello back to the blogging world.
I used to have a blog back about 4 odd years ago but for some reason i stopped and really up to now i still don't know why i did that. Anyway it's only the third month of 2013 and too many things has happened. I've gotten my "A" level results back and i've recently lost my grandma.
I was upset at my results initially but seeing as how my grandma had died a couple of days prior to my results, the pain didn't seem that hard to handle. Besides, my results will probably allow me to go where i want to --- so no complaints there.
I must say i still miss my grandma. The first few hours when i found out she was gone i was so deep in shock i had to remind myself to breathe every few seconds. I also didn't realise i was crying until my mum helped me to wipe away my tears. I thought i had grown to handle myself better when it came to losing things.
In P4, I lost my grandpa.
In Sec 4, I lost my chance to study at the school i wanted.
In J1, I lost my chance to enter the students' union.
In J1, I lost my chance to apply for an overseas program - thrice.
So perhaps when i had hit the end of J2, i figured nothing else i lose could hurt me so much anymore. But losing a grandpa at 9 could not prepare me for the pain of losing a grandma at 19.
I cried silently to myself the night i lost her. I couldn't understand why such a thing would happen at this time. In fact, i had just visited her in the hospital in the morning before i went off for work. Yet by that night, she was gone.
I felt a sudden peace come over me that night. It was something i couldn't quite understand. I was still grieved yet i felt a small glowing sense of happiness. Perhaps it was the fact that she no longer suffered or perhaps it was the fact that she was able to have seen all of us grow up to this point. Either way, the tears dried up soon enough.
I've often wondered why people cry. The most obvious reason that comes to mind is because they're sad. Yes i know that.
But what was i sad about? I mean, i knew very well that she had gone to a better place and that she'll no longer suffer right? So what was there to be sad about?
Then it hit me. I was scared of growing up. Now don't get me wrong, i'm not saying this is true of everyone but it did seem logical to me. When our parents or grandparents are around, we always have a pillar of support behind us. That knowledge that when we fail, we have someone to rely on. But when they're suddenly gone, we panic. We realise we're on our own and suddenly the world just gets a little bit scarier to us. So i cry because i'm insecure. I'm scared that i can no longer run to find my grandma when something happens and that she won't be there to protect me.
And i realised it's okay. Perhaps it's just a weird phase i'm going through but suddenly growing up doesn't seem that terrifying. Don't get me wrong, this whole "GOING TO UNIVERSITY" shit still scares the crap out of me but i know now that i'm going to be okay. And so is grandma.
God has blessed me with an amazing grandma these past 19 years of my life. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I've been rejected so many times that i feel i can deal with anything now. University? Yeah that'll probably be tough but really, what ever comes easy anyway?
So it's time to grow up and see what is in store for me. I'm finally able to close this chapter of my life and ready to start the next one. Cause really when you've lost so many times, you're bound to win soon.
2013, Bring it on.
Mona ♥
Thursday, March 07, 2013
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