Monday, June 8, 2020
Imagine
Imagine you met someone great. Seemingly perfect, even.
He (or she) is everything you wanted in a friend and partner. He's funny. He has a bright goofy smile that makes you happy. You share similar views on many things - life, religion, love, just to name a few. He even likes the same food you do! Well, he says you don't know how to appreciate the food as well as him but that's how all your convos go. Quick banters that sometimes snub you but leave you feeling this warm glow of.... love? peace? You haven't quite figured it out yet.
But the feelings grow on you. You pick a coffee and wonder if he would like it. You go to a cafe and look at the cake selection - you wonder which would be his favourite one and which would be yours. You pick his because it almost feels like he's there with you. Besides, trying something new is always what he brought into your life. Something fresh and something new is brewing. You pick up the phone and wonders what he is doing. You wonder if he wonders about you too.
Probably not.
You put your phone down and don't text to say how you're thinking about him. It's always in your head anyway. You try nudging your phone - maybe the battery went flat. You ignore the urge to text him in an invisible game that whoever texts first misses the other more.
You distract yourself with something else. A movie. But, a movie would feel better if he was watching it with you. A snack? You would love to see how much he would like it or maybe even take a picture and send it to him. How about a self-care facial night? You wonder if he'll notice how much better your skin has gotten. Do an online workout. So you'll look and feel good... maybe he'll notice you more. You push all these thoughts out of your head.
What is wrong with you. The phone buzzes.
Hey.
That one word sends your heart fluttering a thousand pitter-pats a second. He thought of you! You were on his mind! It's all coming true!
We need to talk.
This doesn't sound too good. What did I do wrong? Maybe he finally wants to say what he always felt. You get excited. But, you calm yourself down because things don't always pan out. You're acting like a giddy highschool girl all over again.
So you meet at one of his favourite places and order his drink which you know by heart. He looks and smells good. He always does. You wonder why he looks uncomfortable. Perhaps it's your outfit that you put together to try to draw him in. He liked that colour on you - it always brought out the light in your eyes. Little did he know, it wasn't the colour of your dress that made your eyes light up. You catch yourself staring at him and wonder how someone so perfect could have come into your life and you mutter a little prayer of thanks to whichever higher power helped this happen. He looks up and you glance down quickly - blushing.
Be cool. You flip your phone over on such dates. He has your full attention. He always has. No texts or calls could pull you away now. His lips part and the words glide past.
I'm sorry.
Your mind screeches to a halt. What was he sorry for? You feel your heart thump but somehow you feel the vein at your forehead thump louder. You think you're crazy but your ear starts to hear your heartbeat.
I'm getting back together with my ex but I know you were emotionally compromised. Felt that I needed to explain myself.
You know he is still talking but the words no longer make sense to you. You are wearing that favourite dress that he likes but you suddenly feel naked and ashamed. You want to hide but there really isn't anywhere for you to do so. Had you done this to yourself again? Let yourself feel things that were never there? Thinking you had a chance with someone amazing that popped into your life? You know he is still saying something but the voices in your head have begun to criticize your actions and they add to the crushing pressure on your chest.
That's great. I'm happy for you. You mutter back. You keep your eyes down. They water up but you hold them back. You were always told crying is showing you are weak.
You look up and his eyes seem... soft. Understanding. Almost as if he pities you. He can tell you're lying - he always could. But, really, what else could he have said. You brush it off and start hugging your arms to yourself.
2 months later, you sit in a cafe. You look at the drinks menu and sees what he would have ordered. You ignore it and order what you always wanted. You could swear you almost hear his comments over your shoulder. You realize it's his birthday. You pick up your phone and drop him a birthday text. You hit send without thinking or overthinking it. It was good while it lasted - whatever it really was. Labels escape you sometimes with what you two were.
Friends? Close friends? Lovers? One-sided obsession? A twin flame of sorts? Soulmates in another life? You chuckle to yourself. Maybe. Maybe not. A piece of you misses him but another piece tells you he is happy and really - isn't that all you ever wanted? How beautiful is it that for a moment in time you get to meet someone with such a surreal experience - where the emotional, physical and chemical energy was just electrifying. You got to fall into such a deep connection when you weren't even looking for it - imagine if you went about purposefully looking for it. You do mental math on the odds it would be for 2 people to meet who were so drawn in to each other and happened to be at the right stage of their life. You doubted your calculation for a bit but opened your eyes to see the cafe full of such connections. Couples, friends, soulmates and maybe even twin flames.
You flip your phone and laptop down, sipping on the drink you liked as you took in the world around you.
Mona ♥
Monday, June 08, 2020
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